We live in an age when many of us don’t understand different styles of communication. One reason for this is that we are not educated on how to effectively communicate. As a result of that, people form dysfunctional relationships. In this article, you will learn how to communicate effectively. Effective communication is called assertive communication.
Inside this Article
What is assertiveness?
To understand what it is, we will look at a few definitions of assertiveness.
“Standing up for your rights in such a way that you do not violate another person’s rights. And… Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways.” ~ Ken & Kate Back
Assertiveness is an interpersonal skill. Like any other skill, time and practice are necessary to get it right.
When you’re assertive, you understand that you need to speak up so that others know who you are and what you stand for. You don’t expect others to read your mind and automatically know what you stand for.
When you’re assertive, you understand that your rights, feelings, and needs are just as important as everyone else’s. They are not more important, and they are not less important.
Assertiveness happens when you recognize your self-worth.
Assertiveness springs from honesty. When you are honest about who you are, the next step is to communicate that to others in an assertive way.
It’s based on proactiveness and is not an emotion-based response. The overall message of assertive behavior is “I count. You count.”
Assertive behavior allows us to act in our own best interests, to express our own feelings appropriately and to stand up for our own rights without denying or violating the rights of others.
When you learn how to be more assertive, you can stand up for yourself and become a confident communicator.
Why is becoming assertive important?
Being assertive and giving an assertive response lowers the risk of hurting a relationship. Assertive responses neither attack the other’s self-esteem nor put him on the defensive.
Assertive behavior lowers bad feelings in relationships and increases trust. Usually, assertive responses are effective in getting others to change or reinforce a behavior.
Effective communication brings about the achievement of individual and shared goals. Assertiveness in communication increases your ability to reach these goals while maintaining your rights and dignity.
Assertive people can influence others around them in a positive way. They do this by communicating in a way that suits the other person.
Assertiveness gives us a sense of purpose and control over our lives and circumstances. It increases our self-esteem and self-confidence. It empowers us.
Every opportunity that we have to use assertive communication is an opportunity to build our character and to let others know who we truly are.
You must learn to become assertive so that you can handle difficult people who cross your boundaries and violate your rights. If you don’t assert yourself, your self-respect will suffer.
Lastly, understanding the Pygmalion effect will help you to understand the importance of assertiveness.
Our actions toward others impact others’ beliefs about us. Others’ beliefs about us affect others’ actions toward us. Others’ actions toward us reinforce our beliefs about ourselves. And our beliefs about ourselves influence our actions toward others. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why is being assertive superior to being aggressive or passive?
An aggressive communication style leads to dysfunctional relationships. It leads to social conflicts and being disliked by others.
Passivity, on the other hand, stems from a lack of social skills and cultural influences.
Passive people don’t know how to handle conflict and ask for what they want. Being passive also leads to unhealthy relationships and increased levels of anxiety. It results in being taken advantage of by others and being overly vulnerable.
This usually happens because passive people fear criticism and embarrassment or because of other social phobias. They usually think that asserting oneself means being selfish and rude.
What stops people from being assertive?
First, they are uneducated about effective communication.
Second, many people lack confidence in their own abilities.
Third, they fear failure.
And lastly, they fear what people will think.
Think about it. What stops you from being assertive?
Awareness is the first step toward becoming more assertive
Before you can solve a problem, you must be aware that the problem exists. Aggressive and passive forms of communication are not effective for achieving your goals and developing healthy relationships.
Without knowing it, you could make a colleague feel uncomfortable, come across as rude, seem boring or disinterested, or look shy.
To increase your awareness of the main communication style that you’re using, you can find free tests on the internet. Just Google, “What’s my communication style questionnaire.”
Are you passive? Are you aggressive? Maybe you’re passive-aggressive. Maybe you’re mostly assertive but sometimes get aggressive or passive.
Whatever it is, identify it, and become conscious of it.
When a situation presents itself to you, be mindful of how you’re reacting. If you notice yourself reacting from a dysfunctional pattern, snap out of the moment and put some effort into giving an assertive response.
What is involved in being assertive?
To become assertive, you must understand that being assertive is a mindset. To become an assertive person, you must understand what makes up an assertive mindset.
What does it look like to be assertive? How does it feel in practice to be assertive? What do you have to learn in order to become assertive?
We will first look at what is involved in being assertive. In the coming sections of the article, we will go into detail about what makes up the assertive mindset.
Being assertive comes into play when you are:
enforcing personal boundaries and saying no,
disagreeing and stating opinions,
making requests, and
giving and receiving criticism.
To start with, let’s look at what is involved in saying no. Saying no to someone can take many forms. For example: “I’d prefer not to” or “Not right now.” Keep your reply short. If necessary, give a reason for your refusal.
In some cases, you can ask for more time to think about it. If the person is persistent, use the broken record technique. Repeat what you already said: “As I said, I’d prefer not to.” The power is in using the same words in the same tone of voice.
When you’re enforcing personal boundaries and saying no to the requests of other people, don’t give excuses, rambling justifications, or apologies and don’t search for better reasons to refuse. You have a right to decline and refuse things without explaining yourself too much.
Second, let’s look at assertively disagreeing and stating opinions. Be clear and concise. Express your doubts constructively, offer alternatives and ask for suggestions.
Express your own views using “I” statements. For example: “The way I see it is…” and “My own experience is that…”. When you’re disagreeing, state what you disagree with: all of it or some of it?
Also, offer your reasons for disagreeing. When you’re disagreeing and stating your opinions, it is also important to acknowledge the views of others. You can do this with statements like “It seems like you’re really concerned about ___” or “It sounds like ___ is really important to you.”
The beauty of these statements is that if you’re wrong, you won’t damage the conversation, as you can follow up your statement with “I didn’t say that’s how it was, it just seems that way.”
You have the right to disagree with others and they have the right to disagree with you.
Third, let’s look at assertively making requests. You have the right to make requests and others have the right to say no. When you’re making requests, ask the other person directly and clearly. Give a brief reason and keep it short.
Don’t apologize for making your request. Don’t justify the request. Don’t use flattery and play on their good nature. If they refuse, don’t take it personally.
Lastly, let’s explore how to give and receive criticism in an assertive way.
Criticism often has a negative connotation to it. And no wonder that it’s that way, as most people don’t know how to give criticism appropriately.
Many people criticize the other person instead of criticizing the behavior of the other person. As a result, the other person gets defensive and usually starts to experience negative feelings. On top of that, many people communicate aggressively when giving criticism. This always backfires. If you don’t learn how to give appropriate criticism, you will create dysfunctional outcomes in relationships.
Here is a great insight that will make you think twice about criticizing people: People are perfect, but behavior is not perfect. What I refer to is not the appearance of the person but the essence, the soul, the eternal self-directive power. However, before we go off-topic here, let’s talk about how to give criticism.
You have the right to criticize others’ behavior and they have the right to take action or to reject your criticism.
When you criticize, always comment on the behavior of the other person. Explain the effect of the behavior on you. Use “I” statements. Seek agreement on future action and don’t impose on it.
Usually, it’s best to prepare what you say beforehand. That’s why, in the later sections of this article, you will learn how to create your perfect assertive message.
When you receive criticism, listen and ask for clarification if necessary. When the other person finishes talking, summarize what you heard. For example: “So, what you are saying is…”. Accept and admit the criticism if it’s valid. Then explore how to correct your behavior. If you honestly disagree, say so.
Don’t respond with an immediate emotional reaction. Don’t apologize and offer excuses. And don’t respond defensively or aggressively.
How to become assertive
Here is a list of some additional tips and mindsets that you will require in order to become assertive.
- Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior: I feel…, I need…, I have to…, I want…, I will…, I think…, I propose…, I choose to…, etc. For example: “When you cancel meetings at the last minute, it’s very inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”
- Know what you truly want.
- Always address the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way” rather than “What kind of fool are you?”
- State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another type of behavior.
- If others get upset when you’re being assertive, stay calm, cool, and collected. You are not responsible for how they react; you are responsible only for how you respond. Their reaction defines them and your response defines you.
- Recognize opportunities to be assertive. Recognize and assert yourself. These opportunities are golden to building your character, self-respect, and courage.
- Develop the courage to assert yourself when you aren’t part of the majority.
- Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty.
- Learn to express negative feelings in a positive way.
- Express your opinions honestly.
- Be honest and direct about your feelings, needs, beliefs, wants, likes, and dislikes appropriately, without threatening or attacking others.
- Realize where changes are needed and believe in your rights.
- Figure out appropriate ways of asserting yourself in each specific situation that concerns you.
- Practice giving assertive responses.
- Try being assertive in real-life situations.
- Make compromises if necessary.
- Avoid guilt trips; you have a right to assert yourself and to put yourself first.
- Focus on the solution and solving the problem.
- If you fail at asserting yourself, reflect upon the situation. Learn something from the experience and move on. Then, when a similar situation happens, give it another shot. Trying again is the only way you can prove to yourself that you, too, can succeed at it.
- Focus on your non-verbal assertive behaviors. These are your tone of voice, gestures, eye contact, facial expression, and posture. Stay calm when you’re expressing yourself. Seventy percent of the message that you send comes from your non-verbals.
- Don’t assume that others know how you feel or what you want or need. Make these known. Other people are not mind-readers.
- Consider win-win scenarios. Consider the variety of perspectives, facts, and opinions. On top of that, consider short- and long-term consequences.
- State your opinions while acknowledging other people’s circumstances, beliefs, values, and points of view.
- State disapproval without judging the person.
- Be soft on people and hard on problems.
- Learn from past experiences and plan for the future. Think about how you could have handled a situation better. Create your assertive message for the situation and rehearse what you will do and say. Say it confidently so that you can get your message across.
- Become comfortable with changing your mind. Become comfortable with not having to justify your behavior. Become comfortable with saying “no,” “I don’t care,” and “I don’t know.”
- Choose the right time and place to assert yourself. Discuss important issues in private.
- Be specific. For example: “I would like you to do this before 1st October.”
- Ask questions to get the other person to be more specific. For example: “I don’t like your attitude -> What exactly is it that you don’t like about my attitude? -> It’s the way you speak to me. -> Maybe there is a problem with how I speak to you. Can you give me an example?”
- Stand up for yourself and insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee please,” “I can’t make that time because I have another appointment.”
- When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
- Model your behavior after assertive people’s behavior.
- Stay true to yourself. Value yourself and your rights. Be true to yourself in all interactions. When you’re interacting with others, don’t change yourself just to fit in.
- Ask for more time. If you are too emotional or don’t know what you want yet, it’s best to ask others for more time. For example: “I need more time to think about that; I’ll get back to you within an hour.”
How to communicate your needs
When you’re confronted with an intolerable situation, you can use these five steps to assert yourself.
- Point out the behavior. Stick to facts and tell the other person how you see the situation. (When you…).
- Explain how the behavior affects you (I feel…, I have to…).
- State what you need to happen, then negotiate the change (I want you to…, I need…, How about…, How could we…).
In some cases, you can add these two steps.
- Empathize: “I understand why you…”
- Indicate consequences: “If you do/don’t do, I will…”
You can also indicate the positive impact that your request will have.
For example:
- When you don’t respond… 2. I feel like I’m being ignored. 3. I need to know you’re listening.
- When you’re late to the office… 2. I have to handle your calls. 3. I want you to be on time from now on.
- When you ask me the same questions over and over… 2. I feel like you don’t believe I’ve made a final decision. 3. I need you to realize that I’m not going to change my mind.
Four communication styles
In this section of the article, we will compare the four forms of communication.
Assertive:
Definition of the assertive communication style
The style in which you stand up for your rights while maintaining respect for the rights of others.
Mindset
- Both win.
- I’m okay, you’re okay.
- We are both important.
- We both matter.
- I think we are equal.
- “I clearly express that we both have rights and needs.”
Characteristics
- States needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully.
- Expresses feelings in a positive way—clearly, appropriately, and respectfully.
- Uses “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Using sentences with “you” will put the other person in a defensive mode. For example: “Why didn’t you do the work I asked you to do?” A better method would be to use: “I feel like you’re having some trouble with this work.”
- Makes personal thoughts, feelings, needs, and intentions immediately clear to other people. For example: Indirect -> “It would be great if you could get that report in by 5:00”; Direct -> “I’d like that report by 5:00.”
- Tells others when their behavior is not acceptable.
- Is appropriately honest.
- Is self-enhancing.
- Is sensitive toward other people—empathic to emotions of all involved.
- Constructively confronts.
- Focuses on expressing opinions/wants/needs, etc., and is okay if others disagree or say “no.”
- Asks for what they want.
- Takes responsibility for their behavior and the choices they make.
- Respects themselves and others.
- Knows that they have rights and so do other people.
- Speaks openly.
- Shows expression that matches the message.
- Participates in groups.
- Sticks to the point.
- Values themselves as equal to others.
- Tries to hurt no one (including themselves).
- Usually reaches goals without hurting others.
- Stays calm; feels in control of themselves.
- Feels competent.
- Does not allow others to abuse or manipulate them.
- Stands up for their rights.
- Operates out of love.
Verbal
- Uses a conversational tone—keeps voice volume at an appropriate level.
- Has a relaxed, sincere, firm, and warm voice.
- Speaks slowly and clearly.
- Listens without interrupting.
- Uses “I” statements.
- Does not hesitate much.
- Has a sincere and clear voice.
- Is willing to explore solutions.
- Seeks others’ opinions.
Non-verbal
- Uses receptive listening. Engages with the speaker by nodding their head, showing understanding, and repeating the speaker’s words to show that they’re listening.
- Makes good eye contact. Looks at the speaker directly until it gets uncomfortable, then looks around a little. Then reconnects and looks again. They don’t stare but also don’t let their eyes wander around the room.
- Conveys clear, expressive emotions. Expresses thoughts and emotions about the situation in a calm way. Doesn’t hide emotions with a fake smile or neutral face.
- Uses relaxed gestures. Their hands move naturally in a coordinated way with their voice.
- Has a straight posture and open body stance. Faces the other person and keeps their arms by their side or on their lap. Crossing one’s arms signals defensiveness.
Potential consequences
- Higher self-esteem.
- Self-respect.
- Respect from others.
– za dodat sliko mene, ki prikazuje assertiven obraz, aggressiven obraz…
Assertive rights slika
Definition of the aggressive communication style
The style in which you stand up for your rights but violate the rights of others.
Mindset
I win.
I’m okay, you’re not.
I boldly insist that my rights and needs prevail.
Your feelings are not important.
You don’t matter.
I think I’m superior.
Characteristics
Expresses feelings in a mean and disrespectful way.
Is inappropriately honest.
Is direct.
Is attacking.
Believes they should be able to control others.
Blames.
Engages in name-calling.
Self-enhances at the expense of others.
Engages in verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
Makes the other person feel upset.
Wants to win even if others get hurt or upset.
Focuses on winning, power, and not appearing weak.
Puts down others.
Forces others to do things that they don’t want to do.
Controls groups.
Considers only their own feelings and/or makes demands of others.
Values self more than others.
Hurts others to avoid being hurt.
Reaches goals but hurts others in the process.
Is out of control.
Operates out of fear.
Verbal
Speaks loudly
Interrupts and “talks over” others
Uses “you” statements
Non-verbal
Glares and stares at others.
Intimidates by using expressions.
Stands rigidly, crosses arms, and invades the personal space of others.
Points fingers.
Potential consequences
Lowered self-esteem.
Disrespect from others.
Feared by others.
Guilt.
Anger from others.
Comes across as pushy or even bullying.
Passive:
Definition of the passive communication style
The style in which you put the rights of others before your own, minimizing your sense of self-worth.
Mindset
You win.
You’re okay. I’m not.
I think I’m inferior.
I don’t matter.
My needs and feelings aren’t important.
Others’ rights and needs take precedence over mine.
Characteristics
Is afraid to speak up.
Isolates self from groups.
Agrees with others despite personal feelings… pretends to agree.
Value self less than others.
Hurts self to avoid hurting others.
Does not reach goals and may not even know goals.
Feels incompetent.
Is emotionally dishonest.
Indirect. Avoids confrontation.
Self-denying.
Feels they have no control.
Focuses on not losing love, approval, worth, or not being selfish.
Operates out of fear.
Verbal
Speaks softly or in a tentative voice.
Is apologetic.
Non-verbal
Doesn’t share feelings and pretends that everything is okay.
Avoids looking at people.
Shows little or no expression.
Slouches and withdraws.
Looks down or away.
Nods head excessively.
Potential consequences
Lowered self-esteem.
False sense of inferiority.
Disrespect from others.
Pitied by others.
Angry at oneself.
Develops negative beliefs about oneself and others (for example: “I’ll never be able to do this” or “I’m such a loser”; “He doesn’t care about me” or “People always mistreat me”).
Needs don’t get met because they aren’t voiced, which leads to guilt.
Feels taken advantage of because people make decisions for them even if the person doesn’t agree with those decisions.
Comes across as submissive.
Passive-aggressive:
The passive-aggressive style can be the fourth; we’ll just briefly go over it now. Passive-aggressive people want to control others without the consequences that arise out of being direct. This makes them inconsiderate and manipulative. Passive-aggressive people are passive at first but later they react emotionally and get aggressive.
Homework
Read this article again and, in a notebook, diagnose your mindset with regard to how you communicate.
Think about a recent conflict and how you could have handled it. Create your assertive message for this situation and practice talking when the situation presents itself again. Then, write down the action steps and the mindsets you must internalize to become more assertive.
Read this document for the next month to internalize your insights. Commit to being assertive when you are presented with an opportunity to be assertive.